My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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