What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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