It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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