Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
