She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
