i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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