I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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