It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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