if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
this hospital has no fireball
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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