I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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