Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
