Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
