I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
