Betty ford says i'm here all night
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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