Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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