First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
