I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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