Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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