My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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