Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
