everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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