I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
