Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
