He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
