Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
