Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
