How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
