once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
