I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
