If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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