i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
