I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I think i got beer on your cat.
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