Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
