remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
