my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I love having hate sex.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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