I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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