i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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