hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
