there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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