Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
