So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
