Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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