Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
