Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
