I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
