i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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