What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
