woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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