I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
