i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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